His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
