...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
