I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
