I wish I could teleport
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
