I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
do herpes really smell.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
