i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
