y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
