using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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