The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
