i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
