You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize