I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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