I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
