She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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