So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
