I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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