he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
