I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
