She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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