My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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