She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
