new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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