The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
