This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?