i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
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My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
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He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?