all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
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I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
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You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Such a big mess for such a small penis
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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