I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
