I just pynch a tree in the face
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
