From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
