The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
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