Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
