Yo dont text me then not text me
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
