i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
3pm strippers are depressing
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
After tacos, we're chasing women.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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