Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm sobbing to NWA
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
