Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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