Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
How external is "for external use only"?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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