Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
