How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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