Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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