I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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