Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Drake has all the answers
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
