So gin and wine won't be happening again
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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