I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
