It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
