You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
