dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
