Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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