Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He passed out mid-signature
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.