Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.