Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
