dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
