Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
