I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
