I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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