this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
