He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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