So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
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Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
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That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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