Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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