I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
