A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
